The woman answered: “You remind me, Zosima, of what I dare not speak of. For when I recall all the dangers which I overcame, and all the violent thoughts which confused me, I am again afraid that they will take possession of me.” Zosima said: “Do not hide anything from me; speak to me without concealing anything.” She said to him: “Believe me, Abba, seventeen years I passed in this desert fighting wild beasts – mad desires and passions… But when such desires entered me I struck myself on the breast and reminded myself of the vow which I had made, when going into the desert. In my thoughts I returned to the Icon of the Mother of God which had received me and to her I cried in Prayer. I implored her to chase away the thoughts to which my miserable Soul was succumbing. And after weeping for long and beating my breast I used to see Light at last which seemed to shine on me from everywhere. And after the violent storm, lasting calm descended.
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“And how shall I tell you, O Abba, of the thoughts that pushed me towards lust once more? A fire was kindled in my miserable heart which seemed to burn me up completely and to awake in me a thirst for embraces. As soon as this craving came to me, I flung myself on the earth and watered it with my tears, as if I saw before me my witness, who had appeared to me in my disobedience, and who seemed to threaten punishment for the crime. And I did not rise from the ground (sometimes I lay thus prostrate for a day and a night) until a calm and sweet light descended and enlightened me and chased away the thoughts that possessed me. But always I turned to the eyes of my mind to my Protectress, asking her to extend help to one who was sinking fast in the waves of the desert. And I always had her as my Helper and the Accepter of my repentance. And thus I lived for seventeen years amid constant dangers. And since then even till now the Mother of God helps me in everything and leads me as it were by the hand.”
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“I struggled with various afflictions and temptations. But from that time until the present day, the power of God has guarded my sinful Soul and humble body. I was fed and clothed by the All-Powerful Word of God, since man does not live by bread alone, but by every word proceeding from the mouth of God… When I remember from what evil and from what sins the Lord delivered me, I have imperishable food for Salvation.”
